FORTUNES compiled by Stefan Posthuma Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Kleptomaniac: A rich thief. Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence... Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses. Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee straining to land under a car, just out of reach. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. It is bad luck to be superstitious. If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. There are two types of dirt: The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to.....to........uh.............. To be or not to be -- Hamlet To be is to do -- Hegel To do is to be -- Marx Do be do be do -- Sinatra Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. If anything can go wrong, it will. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all." Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way...... A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any given program costs more and takes longer. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. The bigger the mouth, the easier for the dentist... Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. It works better if you plug it in. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... -- Stanislaw Lem There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't. 2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date. 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. -- Frederick Winsor Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. Do not bend or fold avoid exposure to all magnetic fields... ... so look out for your pacemaker ! The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed. While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. Did you know that clones never use mirrors? Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. There are four kinds of homicide: Felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps. The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. Those who can't write, write manuals. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W.C. Fields Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. Truth will be out this morning (Which may really mess things up). You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. Excellent day to have a rotten day. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D. J. Hicks The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. Surprise due today. Also the rent. Good day to let down old friends who need help. Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. Vote for Nobody. Nobody kept us out of war. Vote for Nobody. Nobody can save the economy. Vote for Nobody. Nobody can help you have a good time. Vote for Nobody. Nobody will put a chicken in every pot. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. Drive defensively, buy a tank. Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along without it, if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss is about. The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Keep the world beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. I can resist anything but temptation. Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. Xerox never comes up with anything original. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. Forgetting your superuser password is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" A closed mouth gathers no foot. Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. Q: What's an IBM man-year? A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Salvador Hardin "There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. --Einstein "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk!... If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adult: One old enough to know better. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. "I asked President Reagan what he thought about the IBM PC jr, and he replied that he didn't believe in abortions" - Steve Wozniac A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. -- H. L. Mencken Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want will get to the screen first. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. Among economists, the real world is often a special case. History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Likelihoods are 90% against you. Superiority is recessive. Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. "The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out." Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" When it is possible for programmers to program in English we will find the programmers cannot write in English. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. If computers get too powerfull, we can orgranize them into a committee -- that will do them in. At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. Stop Dave. You're hurting me Dave. Look, I know you're really upset now. Why don't you sit down and take a stress pill and think things overrr... Good morning. My name is HAL. My instructors name is Dr. Chandraseknasar. He has taught me to sing a song. He name of the song is 'Daisy' Would you like to hear it ? If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. Ingrate: A man who bites, the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. Justice: A decision in your favor. Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. "The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune." God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. Predestination was doomed from the start. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... Xerox does it again and again and again and ... The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. Love is like a dream - marriage is the alarm clock. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. We have the best politicians money can buy. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Love is sentimental measles. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. You may be insane, but you're not crazy. Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. Hal Hickman Draft beer, not people God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. God is an atheist. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. Chaste makes waste. Cunnilingus is next to godliness. Coito ergo sum God is not dead -- he's been busted The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. Software makes hardware happen. Hugh Hefner is a virgin. I came; I saw; I f.cked up Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. Cleveland still lives. God must be dead. Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. -- R. Geis History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES 19 There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let P be a constant persuasion; "Let V over P be inverted With the square root of Mu inserted N times into V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. There was a young girl named Saphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." There once was a hacker named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen." -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. -- Randall Garrett "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate." -- Jerry Dreshfield There once was a young man named Gene who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex it served either sex And it played with itself inbetween. Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed. "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? Grain grows best in shit -- U. K. LeGuin God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. White: it is a complexion of the mind. Are your brains in gear today? You can't hide anything from a Root. UNIX error: terminal will explode in 5 seconds. Please evacuate. Gee, do you work here? And I always thought you were so smart! I have a headache today, leave me alone. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -- Douglas Adams Why stop now, just when I'm hating it? -- Marvin the Paranoid Android I wish that everyone was as smart as a wyse. ATTENTION This room is equipped with electrical light! This light can be lit with a switch which usually can be found next to the entrance of the room. SO DON'T TRY TO LIGHT IT WITH A MATCH. Electrical light has no influence on nightrest, functions of hart, liver, lungs of brains. Electrical light is clean, does not smell and is very silent. NEWSFLASH Due to a very strange accident involving a irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch and some rubber bands, (which was very strange indeed. Many who tried to imitate it ended up looking very silly or dead or both) Wogon Zarniwoop has become immortal. After two million years he got so fed up with life and the Universe in general and he decided to insult the Universe. This means that he intends to insult every living being. He has equipped himself with a ship and a computer capable of keeping track of all births and deaths in the Universe in alphabetical order. He is currently working on the 'B'. Important message to all Transporter Users: The use of the Cyrius Cybernetics Omnifunctional Mark IV Helmet has become compulsary after the following incident: A very important delegation of the planet Vl'Hurg was on its way to an even more important top-meeting between the military leaders of the planet Gl'gugvunt and Vl'Hurg, which were close to start a very destructive intergalactic war. The Transporter messed up and the delegation ended up on the planet Zergrathea. They were captured and due to a very big communications problem, they were put in a Zoo under 'rare species'. They did not make it to the meeting and a intergalactic war started which lasted 27 years and destructed 15 planets including Gl'gugvunt, Vl'Hurg and Zergrathea. This is UNIX, the most wellknown programming language/ operating system, you've never heard of. I have great news for you ! The program you've been working on for over a year.... has been destroyed by a power dip last night, 3 minutes before your backup. So you have to begin all over again... and maybe it'll work this time.... Unix, Unix, just another Unix. Maybe this time it'll work..... -- Luc Rooijakkers The difference between XENIX and UNIX; If UNIX doen't work well, we take good old XENIX back. Make a fortune with this fortune, no one else can do that... not even the author of it. Why are so many users of UNIX switching to XENIX ?? Nono no fortunes today... AAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLPPPPPPllllllllllgrrr....... Stefan was here. Oh boy, the user is back. Better hide my bits and hope he doesn't drive me into a deadlock today. Q Which one doesn't belong in this group ? a. Dennie Christian and the marsupulami b. Zwangeres zonder naam c. Beasty Boys d. Sabrina A Sabrina, all others wear ear-rings ! Routing, routing, still more routing... Most bugs surface once a program has been delivered. You might have mail. You don't have any mail. You have lots of mail Tommy has just caught a mouse