Jokes Pack Volume 1 Old guy dies, wife phones Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary, is told that there is a minimum charge which is for six words. Obituary appears: Samuel Goldstein deceased, Volvo for sale. ====================================================================== All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.... ====================================================================== Q: How many bricks did it take to finish building the National Cathedral? A: One....it only takes one brick to finish a building. ====================================================================== A little girl named Sally loved animal crackers. Her mom took her to the store and bought her some. When they got home, Sally started taking out all the animal crackers from the box and laid them all out on the table. Her mother asked why she was doing that. Sally replied, "I'm looking for the seal. The box says if the seal is broken, don't eat it." ====================================================================== Exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. ===================================================================== Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how is he?" The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life. ====================================================================== If people don't like tailgaters, why do they buy bumper stickers? ====================================================================== A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" ====================================================================== A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!" ====================================================================== Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's society that needs changing!! Not the lightbulb!!! ====================================================================== Truly Stupid Sports Quotes "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class" - George Raveling [when he was at Washington State, not USC, but I imagine that the problem got worse], basketball coach "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "You guys line up alphabetically by height" - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." -Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann >>>>> ====================================================================== Did you know that scientists have found the one thing that can replace the work that ten men can do? A woman. ====================================================================== A government who robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ====================================================================== They have now found proof that there were automobiles in the times of Adam and Eve....... And it is said "God drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden in his Fury" And the Twelve Apostles were very, very uncomfortable wherever they went -- because they were "all in one Accord." Don't forget that the Triumph of David roared throughout the whole land. ====================================================================== In 1965 lawyer Andre Francois Raffray agreed to ``purchase'' the house of an elderly client at the then steep price of $500-a-month installments---on condition that he would inherit the property outright the moment she died. Last week, 30 years older and $180,000 poorer, Raffray, 77, expired on Christmas Day. His client, Jeanne Calment, celebrated the holiday with a sumptuous hotel banquet in her home town of Arles. ``We all make bad deals in life,'' she joked to Raffray when she turned 120 early last year. She is officially the oldest person in the world. (Time, 8 Jan, 1996, p. 8) ====================================================================== If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. ====================================================================== Labor or Hard Labor.....you decide! In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. ====================================================================== A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.) The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so I hid myself.") ====================================================================== Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler. The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?" ====================================================================== A man was in his bed dying, slipping in and out of consciousness, and his wife came into the room with his doctor and the parish priest. "Mrs. Kelleher, you realize that the bill for my services is $1000," the doctor said. "Fine, I'll see to it that it's paid from the insurance." "And, don't forget, Doreen, the funeral and casket will cost $1000," the priest said. "Don't worry, Father, I'll see to it that you're paid as well." The three walked over to the bed and the doctor stood on one side of the man and the priest stood on the other. He opened his eyes and saw the two men there, and said, "Father, would you tell the people at my funeral that I died as Jesus died?" "Do you mean pure of heart and poor in spirit, Tom?" "No, I mean between two thieves." ====================================================================== A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory." "One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him." "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday..." ====================================================================== The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself the usual fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to the homeland (or hameland, as they'd call it) he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards. "Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked. "We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!" ====================================================================== Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into Taffy Lloys's barber shop. "I want a Tony Curtis haircut." So Taffy started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhea, and was yapping non stop about movies and movie stars. "Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too." as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. "Wasn't he great in 'The King and I'?" ====================================================================== William Lyon Phelps, the late Yale professor and popular lecturer, once said that he got credit for only one-forth of the after-dinner speeches he made. "Everytime i accept an invitation to speak, I really make four addresses. First, is the speech I prepare in advance. That is pretty good. Second is the speech I really make. Third is the speech I make on my way home, which is the best of all; and fourth is the speech the newspapers the next morning say I made, which bears no relation to any of the others. ====================================================================== A straight line is the shortest distance between a baby and anything breakable. ====================================================================== One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack." ====================================================================== An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just *how* the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game." ====================================================================== A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques." His friend replied," Yes I know, I have seen your wife." ====================================================================== Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it. ====================================================================== The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?" ====================================================================== Young Man: Would you like to dance with me? Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby! Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant. ====================================================================== A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote: " This bill is now one year old." Back came the reply: "Happy Birthday!" ======================================================================