From: Kirkland@yabbs
To: all@yabbs
Subject: Retrospect
Date: Mon Apr 25 15:10:48 1994
I never claimed to be a poet, but I occasionally write poems...

Retrospect          11-30-93     11:04.59 P.M.
Times seem to be catching up with me.
A waltz down memory lane, a slow dance with the devil himself.
Fate?  Cruel design or happenstance?
I see the edge of the cliff, and it's calling to me.

The old times rise to the fore.
I find myself listening to the music from so long ago,
back from when I was young, innocent, so vulnerable.
And this road is one I don't want to be on.

I find myself strolling past the old haunts,
a pale husk of a man is all that remains of the boy I once was.
It wasn't my house, nor hers for that matter.
They tore it down, I guess it was some time ago.

The fresh air of spring.
Young and in love.
She smiled and we talked.
I took her to bed.

Three, no, almost four years ago.
Why can't I just let it go?
It wasn't meant to be.
Why the hell should it last?

For every chain I cast aside two take its place.
Oh, how they drag on me.
I am repulsed by their implications,
yet I still find myself welcoming them to my flesh.

Looking back, my mind starts to fill in the words
and echoes back to me d..a..t...  r..a..p...
Two E's lost at the ends-
just like her and I, lost, at this end.

"You little wimp," I cry to the night,
"you can't even say it, can you?"
I stumble back to the past-
I know it so well from these unwelcomed visits.

I'm suddenly lost in a sea of sorrow.
She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no.
That made it all right at the time.
But now it makes no sense.

I shove the dagger into my belly, yet feel no pain.
I look down and find no blood, just another masquerade.
Why can't this pain ever end?
Why must I relive it again and again?

The way I felt that night is hard to descibe.
I felt young, in control, and a little wild.
I'd waited for a while, and just wanted some more.
I never knew what pain I'd cause by closing that door.

I sometimes wish I could have my friend's getaways from life,
consuming booze, losing myself in the intrigue of flames-
but my sin is the one sin I can never live down.
I lost my innocence and my morals when my guard was down.

This creature within me called "desire" lies shamed.
So much for chivalry, I guess it's out the door.
She said she loved me, even after what I did.
Looking back I now see why we lasted just a few months more.

I'll get over it.  (liar!)
It really didn't mean that much.  (how could you!)
She's probably forgotten it.  (you bastard!)
Did it matter anyway?  (Damn you!)
Damn you!
No big deal.
Damn you.
Damn you.

Damn you.

- - - - - - - - - -
Ahh, well... It sux to be young and stupid, and it's even worse to be old 
and regretful...
This is just one view of that night, I guess you'd have to ask her to find 
out what really happened...

     -Kirkland, the non-poet.....