From: pixy@yabbs
To: Dee@yabbs
Subject: re: <no title>
Date: Sun Jun 26 16:55:12 1994
Okay. You want feedback. here we go with a new approach.
In message <no title>, Dee said: 
> lonely rain falling outside 
> my window
> pale light
> dark gray skies matching
> the color of my heart
> as i sit waiting
> alone
> lost inside thunderhead memories
> and squirming spiders
> alone
> lost inside hanging closets
> and bitter betrayal
> inside yellow rooms inside
> little boxes.....
{Okay. this looks neato. Already you've shown a strong realtionship
between nature and your own emotions. It's obviously stronger than a
simple metaphor. Is that your intention? I wonder if you're commenting on
yourselve or maybe nature, or both at the same time. Clearly, you're
suggesting--your intention is irrelevant for this point--that there is a
connection. You soemhow derive out of this that there is a connection in
nature to what you are feeling in you mind. Is this what you want? 

 >emotionless > tired >  > scared >  > rejected > 
> dark gray skies matching 
> the color of my heart
>     (or is it my soul which has been
>      drained of its vibrancy?)
> as i sit waiting
> alone
> 
> always alone
> 
> always
> 
> {Now i see the connection between nature and the mind weakening a bit.
You certainly don't have to keep a strong relationship, but why do you
loosen it up? }

For something that you say you took off the top of your head, this a great
beginning. Personally--and i'm only suggesting at your request--Id like to
see you comment on the relationship you've established in the first part
of your poem. Then, make it clearer why the mind and nature seem to move
apart in the end. I think this could be a very powerful and deep work of
art if you'd address such issues more thoroghly.

Also, just as an afterthought, I'm really curious about your rythm in this
poem. In a poem relating your emotions to nature, i personally think that
the rythm of the poem would be a very important issue to address(damn, i'm
beginnig to talk like an design prfessor. 
pixy