From: pixy@yabbs
To: pixy@yabbs
Subject: re: <no title>
Date: Wed Jul  6 16:28:38 1994
In message re: <no title>, pixy said:
> Here's some new shit from the pixy--AW YEA!!!
> 
> There is no facing fate;
> A deadman I am--REPENT!--
> Oh god do i wish I could, 
> And not know of things
> As terrifying as eternity.
> 
> I was 8 when i saw hell come
> By the pool deep as a deadblue sky. 
> Forever is deeper than my deadblue pool.
> Why did He want to beat up a kid?
> But, yes, he surely did. 
> 
Time is something deadening, 
To understand it is to sacrifice
The free oceanheaded mind of 
An 8 year old--REPENT!--No, 
My regrets are all spent

> And now..now what is there, 
> But to suspend my mind, to 
> Forget fate? desensitize
> And then, yes then, maybe
> I can take back my God.
> 
> I want to be unaware of God'd final plans; 
> I want to be normal
> I want to be normal
> I want to be normal
> I want to be normal.....
> 
Basically, this poem--I wrote the first draft when i was drunk--is an
attempt to grasp what i felt the first time i tried to understand the
concept of eternity. It made me feel hopeless and everything futile. I
could never find any comfort from the fear of eternity, all I could do was
try to forget it. 

Since that first time i felt fear over eternity, ive
only felt that same feeling three times. Usually i can accept the idea
without thinking about it enough to get a panic feeling--that's what i
meant by desensitize--but when it has struck me with panic, the panic and
depression usually last for about two to three months at a time. And that
panic feeling is the worst in the world. I would rather be killed than to
feel the panic of eternity.

So far, I've not met anyone that has this same fear--nor anyone who could
even understand what i was talking about.has understood it the same way i do.
So, i kept it personal. I don't even think i want anyone to understand this
fear of mine--the pain is so awful when it comes that I could never will it
on another. Thus, most of this makes sense only to me, but it is good to
get it off my chest. 

I did another poem about this that i posted maybe thre hundred posts ago.
I made it about loneliness, because most people understand loneliness. I
need to go back and take a look at that one. 

> the pixymonstermanmachine >
 >