Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James 'Kibo' Parry) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology Subject: BIFF"S BRANE PART III & the very first Deep Space Nine parody? Message-ID: Date: 16 Feb 92 06:43:05 GMT Organization: A room filled with typography (in Boston's Back Bay) Lines: 167 Xref: moe.ksu.ksu.edu alt.startrek.creative:1579 talk.bizarre:78047 [] ************************************ STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE or THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!! ************************************************** A K00L STORY !!!!!!!! BUY KIBIFF !!!!!!!!!1!! ### Deep Space Nine commander's log, stardate 920215. Admiral Wesley crusher reporting. I have assumed command of this station. In my first ten minutes in charge of this space station, I have (1) invented a new propulsion system, (2) acted as matchmaker for a trio of aliens from the Planet of The Four Sexes, (3) solved Fermat's Last Theorem, (4) almost kissed my first girl, and (5) saved Deep Space Nine from falling into the black hole through judicious application of a gravity slingshot made from my underwear. Now, I am about to take a break from all this work, by going down to the lab to synthesize retroviral RNA protein-coding sequences. ### Wesley wandered weenily down the corridor to his vast laboratory, passing the transporter room, Sickbay, and the new improved holodeck (now with odors!) He powered up his futuristic non-high-definition video monitor, booted up his futuristic 68020-based Mac II, and pulled his futuristic ill-fitting shirt into position. He was going to try to clone the late Tasha Yar's half-Romulan daughter's evil twin's time-hiatused younger self's robot duplicate's Klingon lover, to bring Tasha back from the grave again. He ran his fingers down the shelf of germ cultures, to find the proper Petri dish: Streptococci * BIOHAZARD Andromeda Strain * BIOHAZARD Romulan ale-making yeast * BIOHAZARD Pond Scum * BORING AIDS * BIOHAZARD Silicobacter Wieneri * BIOHAZARD Spam culture * BIOHAZARD Tasha Yar * SEXY BIFF * BIOHAZARD As Wesley reached for Tasha's dish, Captain Picard (Wesley's second-in-command) strolled into the room and distracted him. Wesley gaped. Some evil force had Krazy-Glued a bad toupee to the captain's cranium! "WESLEY, GET THIS THING OFF ME!" Picard bellowed in perfect Shakespearean cadence, while adjusting his ill-fitting shirt. Wesley grabbed a phaser and fired. The toupee was instantaneously converted to energy and vanished. The captain and his scalp were, of course, unharmed. Picard thanked him and left. Wesley put the dish into the clone synthesizer, not realizing that Tasha's genetic material was still on the shelf. Moments later, BIFF stepped out. "HEY D00D !!!1 THANX A MILI0N 4 CL0NING ME !!!!!!!11" said Biff at normal volume. Wesley screamed and ran. (LOUD FANFARE) ************************************************** ************************************ STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE or THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!! ************************************************** ************************************ (COMMERCIALS) Wesley ran for the transporter room. His only hope was to lure BIFF onto the dematerialization thingie and beam him into the black hole down the street. However, BIFF failed to follow him. The BIFFster header for the main computer nexus instead. The Daystrom Quasitronic M-80 processor filled an entire room. It was a computer composed of a vast neural net to which human engrams had been copied. Dianetic technicians audited the computer constantly to track the engrams. BIFF sat down at a console and logged in. #PSUMTS MTS at PSU -- Penn State University $SIGNON BIFF #Enter password. ?BIFF #This signon ID expired more than three hundred #years ago.<<>> BIFF cried! Now he would never again be able to post to Usenet! And worse, he had missed three hundred years of alt.flame! In a fit of rage, he ripped the network cable from the wall and flung the end of it out the window. The cable fell into the black hole, and along it, all of Usenet was sucked in! All the thousands of groups and sub.groups and sub.sub.sub.sub.sub.groups vanished forever! He adjusted his ill-fitting shirt. Just then, Spock entered the room and gave BIFF the Vulcan Nerd Pinch. BIFF collapsed like a bag of cow livers. Spock picked him up with rubber gloves and carried him to the transporter room. He dumped BIFF onto a de-mat platform Wesley energized the unit. Suddenly, just as BIFF began to sparkle, he woke up, and grabbed Wesley's Gumby hairdo. BIFF and Wesley both vanished! Spock worked the transporter controls frantically to bring them back--he HAD to save Wesley, because Wesley was the only person in the whole Universe smarter than Spock. With a sound like a vacuum cleaner swallowing its tongue, the transporter reversed. One set of sparkles re-appeared as someone materialized... "HEY THEIR MISTER SP0K !!!!111 IM WESBIFF !!!!!! I FEEL LIEK A NEW D00D !!!!!!1 H0W R U ????/" Spock screamed. (LOUD FANFARE) ************************************************** ************************************ STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE or THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!! ************************************************** ************************************ (COMMERCIALS) ### Commander's Log, stardate 920216. Due to a transporter malfunction, I have been merged with a twentieth-century parasite called BIFF. Fortunately, this log had been pre-recorded a month ago, as in my present state I am obviously incapable of higher reasoning. "HEY D00D D0 U N0 ANY VULCAN GIRLZ ????? IM H0RNY !!!!!1" WesBIFF asked Spock. Spock adjusted his shirt as he fainted. WesBIFF got into the turbolift and pushed all the buttons. He got off on the next deck to look for a restroom. There weren't any. In a few days, WesBIFF exploded, and everyone was happy again. Unfortunately, one small fragment of WesBIFF was hurled into the black hole. It emerged on the far side of the galaxy, collided with Voyager Seven and was reborn as WesBIFFger, then travelled through time and mated with the late Tasha Yar to produce WesBIFFgerYar, but then the Borg absorbed WesBIFFgarYar, and then RoboWesBIFFgerYar accidentally destroyed the Universe with his underwear. (LOUD FANFARE) ************************************************** ************************************ STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE or THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!! ************************************************** ************************************ (COMMERCIALS) Mr. Data fed his cat Spot and said, "Well, I guess now our problems are cat-alyzed." Everyone laughed. (FADE OUT) -- .................. ................................................... James "Kibo" Parry 271 Dartmouth St #3D, Boston MA 02116 (617)262-3922 kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer and typeface designer.